During the spring break of his sophomore year in college, Gus brings his boyfriend home to meet the family.
Lindsay spends three months nagging her son to introduce "this new boy" to the family. To end what could be a never-ending inquisition, he acquiesces. After telling her when they will be arriving in Pittsburgh, he wraps up the conversation and hangs up the phone.
As soon as he presses the end button, he receives a call from his Grandma Deb. She promptly informs him that "we’re having a welcome home dinner, and I want to meet that boyfriend." That call is followed by his Grandma Jenn calling to ask, "Who is this boy, Gus?" When he frees himself from that interrogation, his phone rings again. Before even looking at it, he knows it’s his Auntie Em, "hey baby, I heard you have a new beau." He’s able to end that conversation after sharing a little information, to only have the phone ring once again. "Old Geezer" shows up on the display which causes Gus to chuckle for a moment before picking up the phone to hear, "just turn it off, Sonnyboy."
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Gus decides to stay with his dads rather than his mother. He figures it’s the most painless way to get through the week. His mother would spend every moment "getting to know" his boyfriend where as his dads probably wouldn’t give a fuck.
While driving with his boyfriend to his dads’ house, he rethinks what this whole "meet-the-family" thing will entail. He considers giving his boyfriend a few warnings about everyone but quickly disregards that idea. It’s like studying for the SATs, pointless.
He pulls into the driveway and they grab their overnight bags from the backseat. They walk to the front door, and the distinct sound of two arguing people can be heard. With his hand on the doorknob he turns toward his boyfriend to voice a sarcastic "home sweet home," and pushes the door open, knowing they’ll be walking in on his dads mid-argument.
His dads are facing off in the entranceway arguing about something. Whatever it is, it isn’t important. It never is anymore. Justin stops mid-rant to greet Gus with a hug and smile.
"Gus!"
"Hey, Pops." He returns the hug and pulls away to embrace his father.
"Hey, Dad."
"Welcome home, Sonnyboy." Brian looks over Gus’s shoulder at his boyfriend and back at Gus with a raised eyebrow. Justin begins to ask, "Gus, aren’t you--" And, before his dads have a chance to make comments and ask questions, he grabs his boyfriend’s hand and rushes upstairs, shouting over his shoulder, "We’re going upstairs to unpack. Weren’t you two arguing about something?" Gus figures the diversion is successful when he hears his dad make a comment and his pops reply with a caustic "Fuck you, Brian."
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They decide to drive two cars. Both, Brian and Gus want their own get-away-vehicle in case it becomes necessary. Gus and his boyfriend arrive first and Gus knows that his dads were right behind him, at least for the first half of the drive. But he assumes they became "distracted" along the way. As he’s walking up to his grandmother’s door, complete with "welcome home" decorations, his mind flashes to old episodes of The Munsters. He’s Marilyn, the normal one, and he’s about to introduce his boyfriend to his family members, all of which are crazy but insist they’re completely "normal." He quickly abandons that train of thought. Comparing himself to blonde female television stars is just too gay, even for him.
As soon as they enter the house, Gus is engulfed in a hug by Deb. As she lets go, she looks his boyfriend over.
"Looks like you’ve got yourself a good one, Gussy." She says with a pinch to his boyfriend’s rear end. Gus cringes at the lifelong nickname and his boyfriend looks absolutely horrified that a nearly 70 year old woman just pinched his ass. Emmett chooses that moment to walk over and examine the fresh meat.
"Oh Gussy! Who’s this fine specimen you brought for your Auntie?" Gus once again cringes at the nickname. It’s an automatic reaction. He’s hated that name since he was ten, but everyone still insists on using it. When he turned fifteen he just stopped complaining about it. The three of them move to sit on the couch. Emmett regales them both with tales of his latest travels, while flirting shamelessly with Gus’s boyfriend.
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Twenty minutes later, the king and his consort are still MIA. Deb is two seconds away from calling a search party when the couple walks in. And, it’s very obvious to everyone exactly what detained them if his dad’s satisfied smirk and his Pops flushed cheeks are any hint, but his mother chooses to ask anyway.
"Brian, Justin! Where were you?"
"Sunshine had a craving for cock, and who am I to deny the boy’s cravings?"
"Brian!" the three blond WASPs in the house exclaim, although Justin’s exclamation is in response to Brian saying that in front of his mother rather than being shocked by the words coming out of the brunet’s mouth. As the room starts to quiet down, the front door flies open and Gus’s best friend Reid bursts into the room.
Of course the first person he greets is Justin.
"Justin!" He exclaims enthusiastically and wraps his long arms around the blonde in a tight hug.
Almost as soon as Reid realized he was gay he developed a bit of a crush on Justin which really didn’t bother anyone. Gus thought it was funny. Justin found it endearing. Brian just found it tolerably annoying. When Reid was seventeen he accidentally came out to his parents and was promptly thrown out. Brian and Justin took him in so he wouldn’t have to change schools. Justin and Reid became more of friends than anything else; they bonded over their similar coming out experiences. Now, Reid would jokingly flirt with Justin for laughs and it had the added bonus of pissing off a certain brunet.
Gus watches as his pops half-heartedly fights off the tall red head until his dad is forced to intervene, pulling Reid’s arms from the blonde’s body. When he looks away from the little scene, he notices his pseudo-uncle walking towards him. For a moment, he considers grabbing his boyfriend’s hand and making a run for it, thus avoiding the inevitable, slightly inappropriate proposal that is about to be made. But, it’s too late.
"Hey Gus, how’s it going?"
"It’s going just fine Uncle Ted."
"You know I’m always looking for new talent and I thought I’d just give your boyfriend a business card in case he’s ever looking for work," he says handing the card to Gus’s boyfriend.
Ted walks away to talk to Molly’s latest boyfriend and Gus glances at his boyfriend. He looks genuinely excited that someone would offer him a job. Gus manages the patented Kinney eye roll.
"Read the card."
"Jerk-at-work.net," he reads aloud. "The porn site?"
"The one and only."
"Cool," his boyfriend says before stuffing the card in his back pocket.
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Gus is positively ecstatic when dinner is ready; he doesn’t have to see his dads make out on the couch. As soon as they all sit down, his Grandma Deb turns her attention his boyfriend.
"Is your mother in PFLAG?" Ever since she quit her job at the diner she’s focused all of that extra energy on PFLAG. She’s always looking for recruits.
"Um, no ma’am."
"Cut the ma’am shit, kid. And, give me her phone number. I’ll take her to the next meeting." He looks at Gus, panic clearly in his eyes, most likely imagining his WASP mother at a PFLAG meeting. Gus just shrugs his shoulders. It’s not like he can stop her. No one’s ever been able to stop the woman when she’s on a mission.
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Halfway into dinner, his boyfriend excuses himself from the table to use the restroom. Gus is in a heated debate with Emmett and Justin about which celebrities are gay and doesn’t notice when Reid follows his boyfriend out of the room. Almost twenty minutes later his boyfriend returns to the table.
"I just had an interesting conversation with your friend."
"Really?"
"He informed me that, among other things, your father has the kind of connections that would permit him to have a body six feet under within an hour." Gus fears he’s inherited the family crazy-gene when he decides to go along with whatever game Reid is playing.
"Well, that’s common knowledge," he replies and watches his boyfriend’s eyes widen.
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After dinner, everyone exits to the living room for the obligatory two hours of "catching up." Before Gus and his boyfriend get a chance to step out of the kitchen they are stopped by Jennifer.
She motions toward the chairs at the table. Gus understands the silent order and sits down with his boyfriend next to him. She takes a seat across from them and Gus is reminded of interrogation scenes from corny detective movies.
"Now, young man, what are your intentions with my grandson?" His father walks by in that moment and stops to give a mock prayer.
"Thank you God for sending someone else for her to torment." Jenn takes a sip of coffee and hides her smile behind the cup.
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As they are driving back to his dads’ house, Gus decides the whole dinner thing didn’t go too badly and hopes the rest of the week goes just as well.
The End
fiction by juneprota